Receding

The theme of my life for the last decade has been expanding. Be it my home, possessions, friends, or waistline, everything has been more, more, more. Sometime last year it was about expanding my family, in the time since I would say the theme has been receding. My wife and I have been discarding the things that we no longer use. Emptying out our home. By the box or car load clothes, electronics and sports equipment have been leaving out into the world. The trappings of former lives. I don't miss anything that has left. I wonder if any of them are represented by a balance on a credit card somewhere? Perhaps they aren't really gone yet.

The dream of a family is being released in tearful nights. Slowly realizing that what was almost there, isn't. The stages of grief, fighting recriminations of should haves, and what if's. There does not seem to be right any answers, nothing to convince my wife she didn't fail. Nothing to stop the hurt of a baby she did not get to hold.

The gym and the couch seem to be where we pass our time now, and at least the positive of going to gym is the body I was having a hard time recognizing is shrinking back in on itself. Even the wife is feeling more content with the shape of herself in the mirror.  Riding the stationary bike in spin class at 5 in the morning focusing on the next breath, next pedal, next song.  I am finding it a quiet time, other than the chatter of those around me and the music inside I don't hear myself. 


What I hadn't expected was the shrinking of my circle of friends.  I have never been one to be terribly social, V moved to Texas, several others seem find reasons to not be around couple that with my natural internal focus and I sometimes go weeks without seeing anyone but coworkers and J.  Even as that recedes,  I am not sure I specifically miss it.  The best friends I have had now live States away, and I can't muster the effort to decide if I care.

Daily posting, why I cannot

My friend V manages to post something almost every day, complete with an image that relates directly to the post. I do not. I expect my postings to be profound, but given that I lead a pedestrian life it shouldn't surprise me that the I record mundane events.

I suppose the reason so few journal is they don't want to be reminded how dull their lives are. The process of recording requires reflection, and that may be too much to bear. We have been watching Mad Men: Season Two[?]lately, the last one we watched was the episode with Freddie wetting himself. While Donald was talking to Sterling, Mad Men dropped this pearl of wisdom.

..its your life, you don't know how long its going to be but you know its got a bad ending. You have to move forward, as soon you can figure out what that is.

I suppose that can pass for reflection for today.

Kurt Vonnegut

Well, the telling of jokes is an art of its own, and it always rises from some emotional threat. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.

Kurt Vonnegut, Interview, Mcsweeneys.net
US novelist (1922 - 2007)


If you have not read it, I recommend Slaughterhouse-Five: A Novel. It captures the crazed writing, humor and story telling better than some of Vonnegut's books do. It at least offers it in the context that can be grasped, a man struggling with what he saw during the war.  Slaughterhouse, Paths of Glory, and All Quiet on the Western Front shaped my views on the horrors of war, and the disconnect warriors must feel coming back and receiving praise for they had been through.

Leave taking

In fitting tribute, the last bolt holding my Idaho license plate to my truck was so rusted on that I had to cut it off. The last vestige of living in Idaho wouldn't go quietly into the night. Though I have been in Washington in body and mind for the last 10 years I have yet to license my vehicle here. It was a last tenuous hold the that land I called home. I have had the new plates for about more than 2 weeks I had not yet attached them, always delaying just another day.

To my vagabond and transplant friends that I am sure know what I mean, I let go just a little bit more last night.

Home Coming

Today is electric, today V comes home. I haven't seen her since before we lost our baby, and the distance of the only person other than my wife I feel open to has been a small weight on my mind. A tickling itch, with no satisfaction to be had. The week visit will be over all too soon, and she will be back in that other country Texas.

V coming made J cry. Every friend that she hasn't seen since the baby forces her to re-acknowledge what happened. The tears could have been from her long day too, most of the time I feel like I don't know what stabs at her core anymore. There is some depth to her now that she chooses not to share anymore and I don't know how to get back into that space. I gave J a homework assignment to try find an opening even thought I think it is very unlikely she will do it.

Eco Kitchen concept

Via Engadget

I don't know why I find this so interesting, even when some shortcomings jump out quickly. The smell of decomposition is very hard to contain, especially if you continue to add to it over time. Even with great venting, and tight seals there will be some smell. The compost tea harvesting for watering plants is really a neat idea, and as drawn might even be workable. I am less sure about the integrated recycling, especially the glass breaking part. I just see that piece needing very careful maintenance, and I don't believe that my recycling provider would appreciate the broken glass. If the broken glass went into some sort of container that was refillable or replaceable that I could put into my recycle bin that might be more tolerable for current urban recycling programs. Either way I think it looks neat, and think some of the ideas could be rolled into real kitchens with a little work.

EKOKOOK

Working from the inside

image via Gapingvoid

Hugh was recently writing about the way that blogs where considered boring, but how he had never been making more money from his blog now than back when blogs where exciting and sexy. I didn't really ponder on the post itself, but the print he chose really stuck with me. I suppose it was mostly the post just before it talking about purists being the only ones without any skin in the game, that really set me to think about a teacher friend of mine in Texas. She and I where chatting about how discouraged she was feeling about how her school didn't have any school spirit, or investment in their identity as a group and that was part of why the students had no interest in school or even graduating. She was feeling penned in because the State is amazingly narrowly focused on teaching to pass the standardized tests, and she wants to try to take steps to help the culture of the school to encourage interest, rather than alienating the students. Her administration told her that when the students reach their desired levels of achievement on their testing they would consider different approaches to improving the school spirit, until then her job was to get the children to meet state testing requirements.

She finds this to be soul crushing and is lamenting not only wandering from her friendly Blue State into the buckle of the Bible Belt, but her career and the interminably long road it will represent for her. I asked about working with in the system for change, and she pointed out that all the "Great" teachers that they make movies about finding and overcoming adversity work so hard they burn out and move on to other careers before those movies are made about them. Maybe teaching is too big of a problem to tackle on her own, but I suppose I am pushing my own rock up a hill here with State Government. I am a firm believer in change from the inside, and all you can do is pursue what you believe to be right.